personal

Last day on Earth

Breaking dawn. Silence. The city lights are still on. One lonely bird is chirping somewhere. In my ears Woodkid sings “Run boy run”. I am the only one roaming the streets.

A couple of years I have this strange tradition, which is really just a thought, that New Year’s Eve is the last day on Earth. I don’t know why or how it got to me. Maybe it is because of the isolation, because everybody is staying at home, only a few people are working, the city looks abandoned and the air is clear. Finally.

Today is the last day of 2018 and it is the first year when I’m not excited about what brings the future. Every year I said, new year, new me. How naive… Now I know, new year, same me.

This year I accepted a couple of things about myself, events from my past, I realized and discovered the existence of some feelings and connections. It wasn’t easy, but after a while and struggle, I accepted them. Now it’s not a dirty secret, it’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s something which I understand and this way I can embrace it.

Some things aren’t good or bad, they just are. Depends on what you do about it. If you ignore it, it grows deep roots, while you are not paying attention, and when you realize it’s existence, it’s harder “to get rid of it”. It took some time, until I realized, but when I saw it, I knew, I can’t get rid of it. It’s the way I am. This is a part of me. It cannot be undone. But it can be accepted and you can live with it. At least, now I understand.

This deep roots, which grew in the darkness, in the shadow of my ignorance, are affecting me. I feel it inside me. I wanted to run from them. I hated them. I thought, that’s not my fault. It’s his…or hers… But it is not true. We are all responsible for the choices that we make. I decided to not to see them. And they grew deep in me.

Breaking dawn. Silence. The city lights are still one. One lonely bird is chirping somewhere. In my ears Woodkid sings “Run boy run”. I am the only one roaming the streets.

As much as I love this song, it’s not about me anymore. I used to run. And I won’t be ignorant, I know that I will run in the future from certain things. To run, is a natural thing when you are scared, when you fear something. Fear is a natural feeling. You feel fear, when you don’t understand something. When you can’t perceive the essence of the fear. The root and the core of it. But now I understand.

New year, same me. But I understand more this me. And I will work for this, rusty, old me, to be a better, a less scared one. To learn to not run.

To learn to stay.

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