personal

Whatever remains, however improbable…

Did you ever feel how someone who`s dark and maybe down, resigning life, can embrace you? Without even a touch, only with a look…the embrace of that deep darkness of someone used to be forgotten or ignored or just down? I did… and I still wonder how come it can be so burning, how come in all that exhaustion of life, in all that abandoning, where did that power come? They say that melancholia is a form of painful anaesthesia, the most absurd definition…or is it? In all that absurd continuum of pain…where does that power of holding and embrace come from?

That embrace…that feels more deep than any love declaration or red rose or demostration of affection. It has nothing to prove, it just is. The embrace of darkness…that could sound a bit gothic but is as real as life. Inside all that death and abandonment what is left is given away…to whom could see. Beyond all that life ignoring and lack of meaning, when the answer to the main question seems established, when one simple look from such tired colourless eyes feels like the most haunting and unexplicable love…there the question remains: how is it possible? To feel the embrace of someone else`s dark so warm and also heavy, so unmasked and lacking in glitter, so painfully beautiful in its truth…and yet…it feels this way.

The embrace of such colourless and tired of existence eyes, which see you and see your own dark and yet they not only don`t judge you but they see exactly how you did not want to be seen. Being completely you. That embrace, of someone who doesn`t want life is more full of life than life itself…because it holds you. That embrace that doesn`t want to fix you, like everyone else…

In this world, where everyone is trying to fix everyone and call it love…as if that part of you, or me, that needs to be fixed isn`t still you or me…

And yet, someone`s darkness saw and held me, even the part I hate, even the dark I know and wanted to escape from, even when I thought I was unseen under my white unform, even under that grey that covered my sight.

It was more frightening and real and freeing than I remembered it can be…Because what someone saw and held  under all the walls and prejudices and so called definition of myself, beneath all that, whatever remains, however improbable…was me.

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personal

hello…me

    Have you ever wondered…how many times you said good bye to yourself? To small parts of you which, in time, became maybe uncomfortable or unfitted for who you wanted to be? Parts you quite forgot and abandoning them was ..the natural course in your life. Almost felt like it was never a choice but always normal development, due to a change you wanted, a change into someone…who did you change into and why should you have changed into someone else, someone…better or in any case into someone..more than you were. And why should you have needed to abandon parts of you to be someone better? …maybe an ability, a special way of thinking, a different way of feeling or touching, maybe a weird or uncommon way of letting yourself be touched, a way of open yourself or the way you close, the reasons that made you react in those ways, the way you look into someone`s eyes and the things you could see there. Maybe the way you have felt pleasure or the way you were able to give that back, the way you let yourself…loved or hurt.

Perhaps all of us did that…abandoning ourselves. Why did that come so easy, why can`t we stay to comprehend the change, the choice or …natural ways of changing, the choices, the world we want and what exactly do we leave from our inner space.

Have you ever wondered what exactly do you leave, what part of you is left not fully discovered or seen or touched? It is perhaps easier to abandon something you don`t already know in full, a part that seems too…at hand, too common, too boring or not spectacular enough for the change you need. Did it hurt?…If that gave you what you wanted….why did it hurt, the abandonment, and if it didn`t then, why does it hurt now? Or maybe the hurt, the pain, the fear gave you the feeling that it`s normal, or mature, or entitled you to believe that it is the right way of becoming…who you wanted to be and this gives you freedom to be special. Or maybe you didn`t say …good bye me, because how could we say that to ourselves?

Have you ever…in the most weird moments in your life, felt, in a strange but also somehow known way that the part of yourself you left behind or even abandon is still there? Maybe in a moment of selfdiscovery, or of pain, or when you became tired of… being afraid of what you could see inside yourself. How is it now? How do you see it now, does it make you afraid or free maybe, or does it change everything you thought you knew about you? Does that discovery open yourself to …reveal how much you are? Does it help you or close you more?

Does it worth a chance? The unsaid good bye…? Maybe it is not a happening you didn`t say it, maybe it is.

How does it feel to…feel again a part of yourself you abandon? That someone you are now…how do you see it, can you see it? Can it be…beauty in it or freedom or can you be at least curious about it? It was there all along…you. Maybe hidden or despised or ignored. If you`ve felt it or wondered yourself about it…can you look at it?

Why do we need to abandon us thinking we`ll become more this way?

When you`re with yourself, with all the parts inside, can you say…Hello..me?

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