Lewis Carroll in his novel, the famous Alice’s adventures in Wonderland writes:
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”
Yesterday I saw as a title of an advertisement “…to live a simple life”… and I wondered, how is it? How is the simple life? And how to live it? Do you want a simple life? Or let’s keep it complicated?
If you had a world of your own, how would it be? If your life could be as you want it to be, how would it be?
Where to begin? I don’t even know…How would the world be? Where would you be in it? Where would you live? Somewhere warm or somewhere cold? At the sea or up high in the sky? At the countryside or in the urban jungle? Would you live in a cozy house or huge palace? Skyscraper or wooden bungalow? What would be the furniture like? Classic wood, modern metal? Minimalism in the blooming or baroque at its finest? Would you want a big penthouse, a castle or a whole building? Or would you feel safe in a small home, maybe no need of walls? Would it be filled with light or you prefer the darkness? Shades of grey or colorful bliss? Be one with the nature? Live outside, under a tree?
In this life of yours , tell me, who would you be? Would you be young or would you be wise? Would you be an adult or maybe stay as a child? Would you be a girl or would you be a guy? Male or female? Would you rather be gender neutral? Trans? Straight or would you like to experiment the same sex sex? Gay? Bisexual? Or no sex, at all?
Would you like to work or just have hobbies? Travel the world or stay at home? Paint or write or do some crafts? Would you cook or rather fine dine? Would you party or just in the head? Conversations or no words at all? Friends, enemies to make it whole? A big family or rather on your own?
Do you want a partner in this life? Soulmate or something physical? Hot or smart? Maybe both? To satisfy your needs or no need at all? Maybe looks doesn’t matter? Maybe what’s inside that counts. Intellectual or dreamer? Who would first die?
Tell me, stranger, what would it be like? If you could choose, without restriction, what would your world be like?
Nonsense like in the novel?
Or would you feel it with sense?
Could you fill it with sense?
52 óra ügyelet után másra sem vágytam, minthogy beverjem otthon a fejem a párna sarkába… Hosszú volt, de felejthetetlen.
Izoláltan, mint valami poszt- apokaliptikus világ filmbéli helyszínén, a szilveszteri vacsorát a klinika zárt osztályán, a kezelőben fogyasztottuk el, éjfélkor pedig a parkolóban koccintottunk…gyerekpezsgővel. Valahol meghitt volt az egész. Szerettem. Teljesen más volt, mint eddig bármilyen kórházi élményem…
Az ember azt hinné, hogy így “ünnepekkor” a kórházak is konganak az ürességtől, de sajnos nem ez a realitás. Öngyilkossági kísérlet, alkoholista családi perpatvar után, drogos szilveszteri buliból, pszichótikus epizód…a pszichiátria egész palettája felsorakozott az év utolsó és az új év első napján…
Hosszú volt, de felejthetetlen. Ilyenkor elgondolom, hogy mennyire szenvedhet az az ember, aki végső elkeseredettségébe a kórházba menekül.
De ez nem döntés. Meg kell értenünk, hogy a pszichés betegség pontosan erről szól, hogy az ember nem így döntött. Nem jókedvéből jön a sürgősségire, hanem mert szenved. Mert segítségre van szüksége, mert fél, mert nincs más hely ahova mehetne… Ez a kétségbeesettség ébresztőként kell hasson a tudatunkra és a lelkünkre. Tudnunk kell, a betegség nem ismer Ünnepet.
Hosszú volt, de felejthetetlen. Hazafelé gyönyörű, tiszta idő volt, havazott… Az év első havazása.
Breaking dawn. Silence. The city lights are still on. One lonely bird is chirping somewhere. In my ears Woodkid sings “Run boy run”. I am the only one roaming the streets.
A couple of years I have this strange tradition, which is really just a thought, that New Year’s Eve is the last day on Earth. I don’t know why or how it got to me. Maybe it is because of the isolation, because everybody is staying at home, only a few people are working, the city looks abandoned and the air is clear. Finally.
Today is the last day of 2018 and it is the first year when I’m not excited about what brings the future. Every year I said, new year, new me. How naive… Now I know, new year, same me.
This year I accepted a couple of things about myself, events from my past, I realized and discovered the existence of some feelings and connections. It wasn’t easy, but after a while and struggle, I accepted them. Now it’s not a dirty secret, it’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s something which I understand and this way I can embrace it.
Some things aren’t good or bad, they just are. Depends on what you do about it. If you ignore it, it grows deep roots, while you are not paying attention, and when you realize it’s existence, it’s harder “to get rid of it”. It took some time, until I realized, but when I saw it, I knew, I can’t get rid of it. It’s the way I am. This is a part of me. It cannot be undone. But it can be accepted and you can live with it. At least, now I understand.
This deep roots, which grew in the darkness, in the shadow of my ignorance, are affecting me. I feel it inside me. I wanted to run from them. I hated them. I thought, that’s not my fault. It’s his…or hers… But it is not true. We are all responsible for the choices that we make. I decided to not to see them. And they grew deep in me.
Breaking dawn. Silence. The city lights are still one. One lonely bird is chirping somewhere. In my ears Woodkid sings “Run boy run”. I am the only one roaming the streets.
As much as I love this song, it’s not about me anymore. I used to run. And I won’t be ignorant, I know that I will run in the future from certain things. To run, is a natural thing when you are scared, when you fear something. Fear is a natural feeling. You feel fear, when you don’t understand something. When you can’t perceive the essence of the fear. The root and the core of it. But now I understand.
New year, same me. But I understand more this me. And I will work for this, rusty, old me, to be a better, a less scared one. To learn to not run.
To learn to stay.
It’s been grey outside, since I came back. Cold and foggy. Better stay inside, light up some candles, while Lenny’s song is playing in background. The water is boiling furiously outside the kitchen. It will be black.
Last Sunday in 2018, last free day, tomorrow we are on call. It will be a new experience, it will be an adventure, it will be worth it. Everybody was shocked that I am spending my last day from the year at the hospital.
How come you are working on New Year’s Eve? – They asked with pity in their eyes.
How come you never leave your comfort zone? – I wondered.
10 years ago, in October, I came into this little town of mine, to start a faculty which I didn’t really know if it was meant for me, gave me a lot of headache and tough times, but also joy, love and happiness, a great group of friends, an american experience and memories which made marks in me. Marks which remind me, that sometimes friends grow apart, love tears us apart and sometimes… it’s just not meant to be. You feel sadness, but I have a smile in my sadness, always will have, because I know that this is temporary. It fades away. One of my favorite writer said: “People can get over almost everything “. I agree with her. Because I got over it. I lost my father, became a doctor, made new friends, lost old ones, my job became my hobby and some colleagues became strangers. This rollercoaster of life never stops, it never should stop. Because if it stops, how will I enjoy the ride?
It’s October again and the leaves turned yellowish – red and it always reminds me how much I love this golden light.
…and a new chapter begins.