As I was traveling on the clouds of Worakls, I realized that many times I was in somebody else’s story. How did I get there? What am I doing here, participating and noding my head peacefully while somebody else is writing my story? The wrong story. With lies and fake promises.

Dear stranger, thinking that you are a master manipulator and everything is working out as you planned is nothing but also one of your cheap lies. These strangers are cheap people, and you deserve nothing, but each other.

As I was traveling on the clouds of Worakls, I realized that the next decision is slowly showing itself. From this amorphous fluid is contouring something touchable, something sustainable…

Is this what I want? Is this where I am going? I don’t know yet, because I am still on the surface… On the surface of the fluid, swimming, trying not to drown. Because to go the deeper, I will have to hold my breath…To write this story, I will have to go deeper inside. But it will be my story now.

Recently discovered this song and I think the video made for this song is perfectly reflecting it.

As I was first listening to it, I felt instant calmness, somehow it gave me the stillness which I feel, when everything is calm around me.

Watching the video only empowered this feeling… Somehow, if it exists, I can imagine heaven like this. Light and stillness, warm and calmness. It is not a place for me, but a state. A state of mind, a state of soul? Who knows? For me… Going inside, wondering around the maze, in the depth of it… What will I find? What will I feel? What will it be like?

As I listen to this song, I can feel that the closure is getting near… I can almost touch it… This light…Inside…Heaven.

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hello…me

    Have you ever wondered…how many times you said good bye to yourself? To small parts of you which, in time, became maybe uncomfortable or unfitted for who you wanted to be? Parts you quite forgot and abandoning them was ..the natural course in your life. Almost felt like it was never a choice but always normal development, due to a change you wanted, a change into someone…who did you change into and why should you have changed into someone else, someone…better or in any case into someone..more than you were. And why should you have needed to abandon parts of you to be someone better? …maybe an ability, a special way of thinking, a different way of feeling or touching, maybe a weird or uncommon way of letting yourself be touched, a way of open yourself or the way you close, the reasons that made you react in those ways, the way you look into someone`s eyes and the things you could see there. Maybe the way you have felt pleasure or the way you were able to give that back, the way you let yourself…loved or hurt.

Perhaps all of us did that…abandoning ourselves. Why did that come so easy, why can`t we stay to comprehend the change, the choice or …natural ways of changing, the choices, the world we want and what exactly do we leave from our inner space.

Have you ever wondered what exactly do you leave, what part of you is left not fully discovered or seen or touched? It is perhaps easier to abandon something you don`t already know in full, a part that seems too…at hand, too common, too boring or not spectacular enough for the change you need. Did it hurt?…If that gave you what you wanted….why did it hurt, the abandonment, and if it didn`t then, why does it hurt now? Or maybe the hurt, the pain, the fear gave you the feeling that it`s normal, or mature, or entitled you to believe that it is the right way of becoming…who you wanted to be and this gives you freedom to be special. Or maybe you didn`t say …good bye me, because how could we say that to ourselves?

Have you ever…in the most weird moments in your life, felt, in a strange but also somehow known way that the part of yourself you left behind or even abandon is still there? Maybe in a moment of selfdiscovery, or of pain, or when you became tired of… being afraid of what you could see inside yourself. How is it now? How do you see it now, does it make you afraid or free maybe, or does it change everything you thought you knew about you? Does that discovery open yourself to …reveal how much you are? Does it help you or close you more?

Does it worth a chance? The unsaid good bye…? Maybe it is not a happening you didn`t say it, maybe it is.

How does it feel to…feel again a part of yourself you abandon? That someone you are now…how do you see it, can you see it? Can it be…beauty in it or freedom or can you be at least curious about it? It was there all along…you. Maybe hidden or despised or ignored. If you`ve felt it or wondered yourself about it…can you look at it?

Why do we need to abandon us thinking we`ll become more this way?

When you`re with yourself, with all the parts inside, can you say…Hello..me?

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How to live a simple life?

Lewis Carroll in his novel, the famous Alice’s adventures in Wonderland writes:

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”

Yesterday I saw as a title of an advertisement “…to live a simple life”… and I wondered, how is it? How is the simple life? And how to live it? Do you want a simple life? Or let’s keep it complicated?

If you had a world of your own, how would it be? If your life could be as you want it to be, how would it be?

Where to begin? I don’t even know…How would the world be? Where would you be in it? Where would you live? Somewhere warm or somewhere cold? At the sea or up high in the sky? At the countryside or in the urban jungle? Would you live in a cozy house or huge palace? Skyscraper or wooden bungalow? What would be the furniture like? Classic wood, modern metal? Minimalism in the blooming or baroque at its finest? Would you want a big penthouse, a castle or a whole building? Or would you feel safe in a small home, maybe no need of walls? Would it be filled with light or you prefer the darkness? Shades of grey or colorful bliss? Be one with the nature? Live outside, under a tree?

In this life of yours , tell me, who would you be? Would you be young or would you be wise? Would you be an adult or maybe stay as a child? Would you be a girl or would you be a guy? Male or female? Would you rather be gender neutral? Trans? Straight or would you like to experiment the same sex sex? Gay? Bisexual? Or no sex, at all?

Would you like to work or just have hobbies? Travel the world or stay at home? Paint or write or do some crafts? Would you cook or rather fine dine? Would you party or just in the head? Conversations or no words at all? Friends, enemies to make it whole? A big family or rather on your own?

Do you want a partner in this life? Soulmate or something physical? Hot or smart? Maybe both? To satisfy your needs or no need at all? Maybe looks doesn’t matter? Maybe what’s inside that counts. Intellectual or dreamer? Who would first die?

Tell me, stranger, what would it be like? If you could choose, without restriction, what would your world be like?

Nonsense like in the novel?

Or would you feel it with sense?

Could you fill it with sense?

Question(s) mark(ed).

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Élet az ügyelet után

52 óra ügyelet után másra sem vágytam, minthogy beverjem otthon a fejem a párna sarkába… Hosszú volt, de felejthetetlen.

Izoláltan, mint valami poszt- apokaliptikus világ filmbéli helyszínén, a szilveszteri vacsorát a klinika zárt osztályán, a kezelőben fogyasztottuk el, éjfélkor pedig a parkolóban koccintottunk…gyerekpezsgővel. Valahol meghitt volt az egész. Szerettem. Teljesen más volt, mint eddig bármilyen kórházi élményem…

Az ember azt hinné, hogy így “ünnepekkor” a kórházak is konganak az ürességtől, de sajnos nem ez a realitás. Öngyilkossági kísérlet, alkoholista családi perpatvar után, drogos szilveszteri buliból, pszichótikus epizód…a pszichiátria egész palettája felsorakozott az év utolsó és az új év első napján…

Hosszú volt, de felejthetetlen. Ilyenkor elgondolom, hogy mennyire szenvedhet az az ember, aki végső elkeseredettségébe a kórházba menekül.

De ez nem döntés. Meg kell értenünk, hogy a pszichés betegség pontosan erről szól, hogy az ember nem így döntött. Nem jókedvéből jön a sürgősségire, hanem mert szenved. Mert segítségre van szüksége, mert fél, mert nincs más hely ahova mehetne… Ez a kétségbeesettség ébresztőként kell hasson a tudatunkra és a lelkünkre. Tudnunk kell, a betegség nem ismer Ünnepet.

Hosszú volt, de felejthetetlen. Hazafelé gyönyörű, tiszta idő volt, havazott… Az év első havazása.

marosvàsàrhelyi református vártemplom tornya
szerelmesek sétányán megcsonkìtott fák Marosvásárhelyen
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Last day on Earth

Breaking dawn. Silence. The city lights are still on. One lonely bird is chirping somewhere. In my ears Woodkid sings “Run boy run”. I am the only one roaming the streets.

A couple of years I have this strange tradition, which is really just a thought, that New Year’s Eve is the last day on Earth. I don’t know why or how it got to me. Maybe it is because of the isolation, because everybody is staying at home, only a few people are working, the city looks abandoned and the air is clear. Finally.

Today is the last day of 2018 and it is the first year when I’m not excited about what brings the future. Every year I said, new year, new me. How naive… Now I know, new year, same me.

This year I accepted a couple of things about myself, events from my past, I realized and discovered the existence of some feelings and connections. It wasn’t easy, but after a while and struggle, I accepted them. Now it’s not a dirty secret, it’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s something which I understand and this way I can embrace it.

Some things aren’t good or bad, they just are. Depends on what you do about it. If you ignore it, it grows deep roots, while you are not paying attention, and when you realize it’s existence, it’s harder “to get rid of it”. It took some time, until I realized, but when I saw it, I knew, I can’t get rid of it. It’s the way I am. This is a part of me. It cannot be undone. But it can be accepted and you can live with it. At least, now I understand.

This deep roots, which grew in the darkness, in the shadow of my ignorance, are affecting me. I feel it inside me. I wanted to run from them. I hated them. I thought, that’s not my fault. It’s his…or hers… But it is not true. We are all responsible for the choices that we make. I decided to not to see them. And they grew deep in me.

Breaking dawn. Silence. The city lights are still one. One lonely bird is chirping somewhere. In my ears Woodkid sings “Run boy run”. I am the only one roaming the streets.

As much as I love this song, it’s not about me anymore. I used to run. And I won’t be ignorant, I know that I will run in the future from certain things. To run, is a natural thing when you are scared, when you fear something. Fear is a natural feeling. You feel fear, when you don’t understand something. When you can’t perceive the essence of the fear. The root and the core of it. But now I understand.

New year, same me. But I understand more this me. And I will work for this, rusty, old me, to be a better, a less scared one. To learn to not run.

To learn to stay.

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